The Truth and ReConsideration
by Lord Luca
Summary: A day in the life of a frustrated gold Elite, "Val'Jeez upon the fabled ship itself. Today he is having a visit from a boarding party with a violent surprise in stall. How will he get through this one? Come find out...
1. Chapter 1

**The Truth and Re-Consideration**

A day in the life of a frustrated gold Elite, "Val'Jeez upon the fabled ship itself. Today he is having a visit from a boarding party with a violent surprise in stall. How will he get through this one? Come find out...

...

_This is the story of a very special Covy ship for all the 'less useful' members of their alliance. First comedy for Halo. Might not be to everyone's taste but please review Anonymous reviewers welcome. No spamming or trolling, I just delete. It doesn't bother me, no that's not a challenge. _

_Enjoy..._

...

Val'Jeez picks his plasma sword up off the table when the whooping sirens go off; the demons and their pathetic kin had boarded the cruiser, as was the plan.

What is the plan? To catch a demon. How will it be done? With difficulty...It was part of the over enthusiastic Captains doubtful plan.

However Val'Jeez had a blood-debt he needed to honour and a thirsty blade. He swaggers out of his cabin, deciding to round up some grunts for support.

"Brother..." A clear voice spoke through his intercom

"I know. We will avenge our dead siblings. Meet me in landing bay 8 with the other Elites. Tell them to come camouflaged. We must be wary" Val'Jeez whispers dramatically. There is a pause before a response comes.

"Actually I was going to ask you to bring some of those nice crispy cheesy things we took from that human cruiser...A 'Chip'. I believe they call it. So crunchy! So goooood, we must show the profits!..."

Val'Jeez misses the last things his brother says. The sirens are really beginning to annoy him.

Val'jeez strides into the grunt barracks.

"Yikes! We all gonna die!" a hapless grunt squeals

It was chaos. Little grunts were running around the place waving their hands in the air, climbing on the furniture breathing rapidly in a panic.

"Fools! You will use all your methane supplies! We can't get more, we have run out of space beans" Val'Jeez bellows.

"Master...MASTER!" a particularly frantic grunt yells out.

Val'Jeez nods disapprovingly. "Yipity Yap. Collect your brothers and meet me in landing bay 8" The disgruntled golden Elite calls out commandingly with a sweep on his gnarled hand. Val' Jeez walks out the barracks, pleased to find the grunts to be in a braver mood than normal. However a cloud of concern descends on him.

Now the Jackals...Profits know what state they will be in..." Val'Jeez whispers to himself seriously.

He walks into the Jackal barracks. The seasoned Elite sighs. The bird like xenos are squawking and shitting everywhere. They are flapping around causing a right mess.

"Curse you confounded creatures!" Val'Jeez cries, looking at the scattered bird seed on the floor in dismay. The Jackals all stop and cock their heads, watching the Elite with their avian eyes. "Suit up! Landing bay 8, now! If you hurry I will give you all more of that coconut I found" He shouts, activating his plasma sword threateningly.

The bird-like creatures pick up their weapons and rush out.

"Mighty Hunters! We have need of you! The Elite call out.

Silence.

Val'Jeez grumbles in annoyance for having to search. He looks around the room for the hunters. A few dead worms by the flower garden in the corner of the large room confirm his fears. Lesson learnt, never put worms with birds, Hunters with Jackals. He shrugs and walks out, he never liked them anyway. Hunters were weird and talked funny.

Val'Jeez stalks down the corridor, activating his camouflage making himself invisible to the world. He makes the arduous trip to the landing bay. Upon arrival he finds the entire area quiet and empty. He sighs, clicking his mandibles. He must be the first.

"Val'Jeez?" a voice rings out

"Brother Ranu'Hi?"

"Thank the profits for your timely arrival, the 'Demon'! He comes!" the panicked Elite calls out

"Where are Jim'Ni and Tan'Arami?"

"Oh mighty Val'Jeez! They are not here!" Ranu'Hi wails

"Curse those useless fools! They have always been...Useless!" Val'Jeez spits

"Who?" Two indignant voices call out in unison

"Jim'Ni? Tan'Arami?" Ranu'Hi asks, confused

"Curse this camouflage! Turn it off! I can't see any of you!" Val'Jeez calls out in absolute frustration. Looking around the deceptively empty room for his comrades.

Three pale blue Elites appear to materialise out of thin air before him. Loud screaming and squawking coming echoes down the corridor behind the group. They all turn to face the oncoming raucous.

Out of the corridor explodes a legion of terrified grunts and confused Jackals covered in bird seed and feathers. "Get into position!" Val'Jeez calls out to the masses. "You guys, stay here. I am scouting ahead." He whispers to his brethren.

"Come Yippity Yap" He calls out to the little grunt major in his shiny red armour. He heads towards another corridor branching off from landing bay 8.

"Yes boss!" the grunt replies with his squeaky high pitched voice. The brave golden Elite strides towards the Marines position further down the hall with the motley group of grunts in tow waddling quickly to keep up.

"I hit the man. Shoot him. Bang, bang! Then I polish my armour for two month. Messy messy!" Yippity Yap says trying to sound aggressive in his baby voice. The other grunts gasp and shriek in fear.

"Damn it, Yippity Yap! I killed that puny man-soldier! You just shot him _after_ I killed him. It took you half an hour to work up the courage." Val'Jeez bellows, losing all patience.

"Marines, stay behind me. I am picking something up on my scanners." A cool voice rings out. "Let the Chief through boys! No Carter! Wait!" comes a gravelly, strange voice down the hall.

"Got you" Val'Jeez whispers with an excited click of the mandibles, activating his camouflage. He had a bone to pick with the Spartan II.

Val'Jeez hugs the wall as a careless Marine wearing thick glasses runs round the corner. The grunts jump at least three feet in the air "Yikes!" Yippity Yap squeeks, opening fire.

The hapless Marine turns into something akin to a roast chicken after the plasma barrage. "Yummy!" The grunt major shouts. Val'Jeez waits patiently, ignoring his simple fellows.

A large green giant runs around the corner. "Do it again!" One of the grunts shouts. They all open fire. The green giant's shields flare violently. "Run away!" Yippity Yap shouts. The green giant begins to stride forward. Val'Jeez steps out into the middle of the corridor to confront the demon.

"I am the mighty Val'Jeez!" speaks the strong Elite, heroically. The green giant continues to stride forward, undaunted, unaware.

"Die!" A little voice calls out behind him. A furious grunt charges towards the Spartan II with a fuming plasma grenade. The grunt slams right into Val'Jeez making his shields flare. The Spartan stops abruptly, raising his machine gun cautiously.

The grunt gets up from the floor. He rubs his head and stands up. He looks at his hand. The plasma grenade is still there!

"Ahhh! The little grunt screams trying to shake it off, running round in circles. Val'Jeez dives onto the floor as the Spartan opens fire.

The explosion rips through the halls in a blinding blue flash. Val'Jeez screams as the super heated plasma wave rushes over his back, peeling strips off his flesh.

He opens his eyes. Luckily his camouflage is still active by some miracle. His back is burning in agony but he is alive at least. "Thank the profits" He whispers breathlessly. Mentally taking note not to let grunts use plasma grenades on board ever again.

"Dude..." The Spartan says, lowering his gun. By now all the other Marines have caught up to him. "I'm so bad ass I should wear a cape or something. Like a super hero or something" He says, slinging his gun over his shoulder.

"What the hell was that?" The sergeant yells out in a fury. Everyone shrugs.

The Spartan walks forward. Val'Jeez barely holds in his scream as the Spartan steps on his back "Whoa! The floor is squishy here!" He says

The sergeant scratches his chin. "We must be on the Truth and Re-consideration! Lets head back boys, no danger from these crazy foo's." He says in a deep afro-American accent. The men nod

"Let's get out of here! This is loser-Ville!" another Marine shouts

"No!" The Spartan says. The Marines go Silent. "Let's go forward!"

Val'Jeez curses silently as the Spartan and his Marines run over him on the way out. When they disappear round a bend Val'Jeez stands up.

"Curse you demon...I will get you. On the profits I swear!" The battered Elite says, swaying on the spot.


	2. Chapter 2: Rebirth in Blood

_The Truth and Re-consideration _

_**Part 2**_

_Enjoy…_

…_._

Val' Jeez walks to the sacred elevator. He has felt nervous since he entered High Charity in his escape pod. The elevator springs open, inside are eight Elites and one particularly large Hunter.

"…I'll catch the next one" Val'Jeez says courteously.

"No, we are staying…guard duty" one of the Elites says, rolling his eyes.

Val' Jeez shrugs and enters; there is so little space he is pressed against the glass wall. The doors close. "Hi! I am Jaed' Baldarn!" A Elite says friendlily thrusting out a hand. Not knowing what to do Val' Jeez shakes it. "What's going on anyway? There is hardly any space in here." Val' Jeez says curiously.

"What floor are you on, sweetie?" Jaed' Baldarn asks with a kind click of his mandibles.

"Errr…three thousand, two hundred and sixty…six…" Val' Jeez responds curtly.

"The Prophets'! Ohhh…someone's in trouble!" Jaed' Baldarn says playfully, everyone in the elevator laughs and hollers.

"Don't worry, sweetie. They will probably only chop your hand off…maybe take an eye…a mandible...part of your brain" Jaed' Baldarn says comfortingly. Val'Jeez gulps.

"You asked why we are all here. Security. There used to be two in here but then the Prophets decided that wasn't safe enough, terrorists and all that. So here we all are...and Greg, the hunter." Jaed' Baldarn adds.

"GREG! Did you press the button for this darling?" Jaed' Baldarn shouts angrily

Greg grunts indignantly

"No not that one! The blue one! You're so stupid Greg! Next time _I_ work the buttons and _you_ interrogate…I mean! _Greet_ the guests" Jaed' Baldarn shouts, irritated.

Greg makes a sad whining sound.

Val'Jeez looks out the glass plate praying to arrive soon. The higher he goes the sicker he feels, he is scared of heights.

Just before the nausea get intolerable the doors pop open and he falls out. The doors seal behind him; he looks up. In all their glory the Prophets gaze down at him. No time for any mistakes; play it cool, Val' Jeez thinks.

Val' Jeez gets up and swaggers towards them coolly. The room is made of all kinds of strange glass and metals.

"Mighty Pro…" he begins before falling to his knees and throwing up all over the polished glass floor looking down three thousand, two hundred and sixty six floors. Before he has a chance to recover he leaps up in terror.

The Prophets look on for a moment unamused before becoming preoccupied with what they were doing. Val' Jeez sees they are all holding the gifts he sent, a shiver of relief flows through him.

"This 'chip' is completely out of this world!" One of the Prophets says with relish.

"Err…hate to be a stickler but don't the humans put their A.I's in these things? Should we be eating them?" Another adds cautiously, looking searchingly at his brethren.

"No, no. That is _another_ kind of chip. Crunchier and tastes a lot stranger." One says knowingly, tapping his nose.

"Hmmm…well in either case Val'Jeez I am happy to completely forget your failure and even that you are here in the first place. We have assigned you a new navy to assist you in bringing us more chips…" The profit of Truth begins nobly.

The profits look at him frowning

"Err…I mean, bring us more…Justice…yeah, that's right…" He adds nervously.

They all nod approvingly.

"Go now brother! And…err…good hunting…" Truth says with renewed conviction.

Val' jeez walks off feeling better than he thought he would. He still felt sad that his old ship was blown up and everyone died a tragic and horrific death but there is always a downside to everything he reasoned.

"Actually I rather he brought us more chips…" one of the profits continued in the background

"I agree we have put so much of our efforts on war and ship building but where is the fun for _us_? Honestly you would think the humans were the superior beings here. Next you will be telling me they have broadband internet!"

The prophets laugh heartily.

Val'Jeez arrives at the elevator and the doors pop open.

"Yooo hooo!" a familiar voice calls out.

Jaed' Baldarn stands in the elevator waving excitedly.

"Great news! I have been assigned as your new body guard and Greg as your commander!" he says happily.

"Three cheers for Grand Admiral Val'Jeez!" Jaed' Baldarn squeals.

All the Elites look at him blankly.

"Nevermind…" he adds quickly, looking around nervously.

Val' Jeez has a thoughtful moment when he enters the elevator. All the Elites inside are chatting excitedly about all the maiming and murdering they will soon be getting up to. Even Greg started singing merrily like Hunters do.

Val' Jeez did not know what Jaed' Baldarn meant by 'three cheers' but he was sure it was a good thing. There is always an upside and a downside to everything he reasoned. However he was not sure what to make of this.

The elevator doors sprung open at the docking bay. A gigantic, sleek metal ship greeted them. The words written in large white holograms read 'The Truth and In-consideration'

"Why did they change the name?" Val' Jeez yelled, emotional by now.

"Ah, we are supposed to be real mean now. The name reflects this" Jaed' Baldarn added, the others nodded and punched their palms.

"Alright! Lets go and…you know…yeah" Val' Jeez screamed, salty tears in his eyes. They all ran towards the ship happily. Greg shook his head and plodded on at his own pace.

…

_Thanks for reading!_

_I hope you enjoyed this fine tale. Please leave any comments you may have as they are appreciated and welcome. _

_**Part 3**__ coming soon!_


	3. Chapter 3: Uncovered Truths

_Part 3, Enjoy_

_Please leave any comments at the end_

…_._

Val'Jeez bobs his head to the strange musical sounds. He is sitting at the bridge of his new craft _The Truth and Un-consideration_, outside the stars are whizzing past and planets grow and fade as the ship hurtles through space. "Wow! I love it! What is it?" Jaed' Baldarn asks.

"The humans call it _'rock n' roll'_" Val'Jeez says, puffing up his chest feeling superior. "It's great! All we get back at High Charity is that stupid organ music, it's dumb and weird" Jaed' Baldarn says his tone of annoyance.

"I know, brother. These humans have it pretty good…that's why we need to kill them all and pretend _we _invented all those things, it's the ameri…I mean Covenant way!" Val'Jeez says, reclining in his leather _lazy boy_ chair, he switches on the T.V and laughs.

"This game they play, ball of the foot intrigues me…" Jaed' Baldarn says, hypnotised by the T.V

"Aye…Is Greg still guarding the potato chips?" Val'Jeez inquires

"Indeed last time I checked. He has been down there for three months though…" Jaed' Baldarn says in a tone of worry.

"Oh don't worry, I hear these hunters live of air anyway…" Val'Jeez says knowingly.

It had been a good month of raiding. Val'Jeez and his blood thirsty crew had been mercilessly plying the space routes for Human ships and promptly raiding them off everything before destroying them. It was good but Val'Jeez had only one thing on his mind. Revenge. Revenge against that large green Spartan which stepped on him. Val'Jeez was planning revenge on all the other soldiers that stood on him but he could not remember them all. All humans looked alike in his eyes.

"Master! MASTER! There something coming! Ahh! We all going die! Ahhh!" A frantic grunt screamed running round in circles in a confused panic. "Simple creature, you must learn to relax, you panic every time you see anything!" Val'Jeez said. At that point he wondered why he let grunts fly the ship but he shrugged and let the thought go.

"A human ship!" Jaed' Baldarn said, excited.

"Mmmm…Me potato senses are tingling" the grunt said abruptly.

Everyone looked at the small creature quizzically.

"What? Me watch Spiderman on T of V!" it said indignantly.

"Ha! Yeah, I Watch _Miami Vice_. Number one new show! POW!" An Elite at the navigation quarter interjected happily.

"Silence!" Val'Jeez screamed. Everyone jumped in terror of their fierce leader.

"We have a raid to do. Remember, the prophets' want chips! Not the computer kinds but the potato kind! Without chips they get angry and you wont like them when they get angry…" he said growls darkly, his voice deepening.

A silence hung over the bridge.

"Errr…Excuse me, master. *Squawk* that is from _the incredible hulk_. We watched that on HBO last night" A Jackal commented casually as he walked past the entrance of the bridge.

Val'Jeez burned with rage "That's it! I am getting rid of the T.V! Now let's get to the killing!"

Everyone Groaned.

"Sir! There is a covenant ship in range!"

"Well that's it then…I want everyone at their posts…"

"Everyone, sir?"

"…are you deaf? I said EVERYONE!"

All over the ship soldiers ran about preparing for the raid. Most of them went crazy and decided to fly pelicans and warthogs around pointlessly for one last great joy ride before the end. Only a handful of soldiers actually bothered to re-enforce the ship.

"Alright soldiers! Its time to make your peace before we go out to die, but before we die we are going to kill the enemy and kill them good. We gonna kill them so good that there wont be anything left to send back to there mommas, yo. Dat be fo' show! Coz this shit is goin' down! Am I right nig…Soldiers!" The furious sergeant bellowed.

"Sir yes sir!" The men respond obediently.

"Now…is there anything anyone wants to say befr…"

"I LOVE YOU SARGE!" a soldier screams interrupting the sergeant, tears in his eyes.

The sergeant twists his face in disgust.

"God damn…I TOLD them not to let them bring broke back mountain on board…Now if it was those sexy bitch's Cheryl Cole and Megan Fox then HELL YEAH that shit is on like Donkey Kong! They would be callin' that…" The sergeant began with a dirty little laugh.

"Errr…Sir? You're rambling again. So what is Jenkins is gay! He still watches football. He is just like us! Why cant we just except him as he is!" a soldier said curtly, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Shut up foo' Let move out!" the sergeant roared

I pitty da' foo' who messes with us!" a deeper more aggressive voice yells out

"God damn, Private Mr. T! There is only room fo' one black sergeant and that black sergeant is me!" the sergeant shouted before having a stroke.

Meanwhile in the secret cryogenics bay…

"Sir! Its time!"

"Alright, let's get him up…you first"

The two nervous soldiers went into the bay and approached the green armoured giant.

"Boo!" the Spartan shouted suddenly

The men screamed and wet themselves.

"You guys are such douche bags. Been awake for hours, watchin' the surfing, that shit is rare." The Spartan said, twisting his head. Mesmerized at the surfing on the T.V.

One of the engineers cleared his throat. "Ahem…Sorry…Master Captain super chief lord…But we have covenant raiding the ship. I would lead you to the action but something would probably just blow up and kill me." He said anxiously.

"Alright dudes but don't give me any more of the wake up shit, it gave me a boner for five hours and I couldn't work that shit coz of this suit."

"Point taken…so…ready…please?"

The Spartan stood up and picked up his tiny, pathetic pistol.

"This the best you could get me? You guys suck. Fine…Time to kill…" he said darkly

The ship rocked and the emergency lights started flashing. The engineers looked nervously at each other and fainted. The Spartan cocked his head "hmmm…I should really do something…" he said in a worried tone. He placed one of the engineers hands on the others backside. "That's better…" he said, walking out, his pistol over his shoulder.

…

_Hope you enjoyed it! More coming soon,_

_Please leave your comments, they are taken on board and appreciated._

_-Luca_


End file.
